Never Planned

I never planned on being a Mom. When I say "Mom" I mean a real, love your kids to death, do anything for them, play things that are super boring, work hard for till I have nothing left Mom. Sure, I thought that one day I might have kids. Then I would send them to boarding school. No joke! I wanted to have a career. I wanted to travel. I wanted to bring home the bacon. I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and being a Mom wouldn't get in the way of that.

I still thought that I would love to have a career and maybe get married after I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Then I met Ben and that all started to change. We had discussed if I was going to stay home and about having kids in general before we were engaged. I really felt strongly about having a career, but I also wanted to be a great mom. Could I do both? Would I have enough energy? I know some moms do, but was I one of them? I started to think that maybe I wanted to stay home with my kids. Ben comes from a family with five kids and a Mom that does so much for her family. I remember the summer that we were married I watched her help plan our wedding, make us a queen sized quilt, get a son ready for a mission, get ready for a daughter coming from a mission, get another son ready to finish his project/receive his Eagle Scout award all while keeping the books and working at the families small business. I told Ben "I am not your Mom, and I will never be your Mom". It exhausted me just to watch her, and to this day it still does! But she did all of these things with patience and a kind of quiet joy. She was very content to tend to her family and put them first. I have also seen this in my equally awesome Step-Mom. She works really hard for our family and anytime we need anything she is there and would drop anything to take care of us. If it is gardening, making good food, making traditions for Christmas, making sacrifices with her time, loving me when when I did not want to be loved as a teenager, teaching me, listening to me, being there for me always, she was always there ready to step in. She is a great example too of balancing taking care of one's self as well as a family. Even when she was working full time. It really struck me because I was an adult looking at them do all of these things and I was just about to make the passage to becoming like them: a wife and keeper of the home and frankly I did not feel ready.

It took Ben and I two and a half years to get pregnant. We had just finished school and moved to California for Ben to start work. We found out a few weeks after we moved. I was so excited! After seeing so many other expectant moms I was going to get a chance. On the other hand I was kind of bummed. I was just starting the application process for my MLS degree (Masters in Library Science). I would not get to do that now. Ben and I had discussed that I would stay home. I really did want to try and stay home but there was always that part of me that also wanted a career. Badly. But I also knew that I wanted to be a great Mom. I had no idea how much hard work it would be.

With Austin I was very sick on anti-nausea meds for 8 months and I worked 40-50 hour work weeks. Four months after Austin was born we were surprised to be expecting Emma. Oh. My. Goodness. I wanted to die. What in the world! I was so depressed. After a while I cheered up, but was nauseous and had a baby that wouldn't sleep through the night.

There were some times that I just wanted my body back!!!! Especially after Emma was born and she was nursing. There were times that I cried. A lot! Emma nursed until she was 14 months. I guess I could have quit cold turkey but she WOULD NOT EVER TAKE A BOTTLE! And I mean never. It was just easier to give in since at that point I was super exhausted. So for 36 months either I was pregnant or nursing. I know. There are many, many, Moms that do this. But man. I tell ya', I was just not planning on having the Mom thing be this hard. I felt so violated. Not my own person. It didn't help that Ben and I did this on our own with our family in Washington and us in California. I celebrated when she didn't want to nurse anymore!!! Little did I know that in just a few short months our live would be turned upside down

I would be the first person to tell you that sometimes I really didn't like being a Mom at that point. Don't get me wrong. I loved my kids and I tried my best. But was I happy? Not really. Did I feel fulfilled? Nope. Did I feel lost, confused, sometimes angry for no reason? Yes, yes, and yes. Sometimes I felt stuck. We were in a tiny apartment, up stairs, without a garage or washer or dryer and had...cockroaches! (cringe) I would take a lot of my anger out on this and thought if we could just make it out of there we would be happy. That would be the magic cure.

Austin became sick when he was thirty months and Emma seventeen months. The whole experience with Austin taught me more things than I could list in this blog. It really changed the lives of every person in our family. There were times that I could see God's hand so clearly that I was in awe and could only feel humility and gratitude for the care that He took of us. There were somethings that I figured out. If Emma had not have come when she did I would have probably been pregnant or would have had a brand new baby to care for. There was just no way that could have worked. Austin needed me. And for a time he needed almost all of me. All of my time, my attention, my energy. Poor, sweet, wonderful, loving Emma was passed back and forth between my Step-Mom and my Mother-in-Law. And even after we came home to California she still was shipped off to friends or had family visiting to care for her. I feel like as a mother I really matured during those times. For the first time I looked at my little girl and was sad not to be able to spend time with her, to play with her, watch her grow up. I felt like I was missing out. When they would bring her to visit me in the hospital I swore that she looked different. And my heart just ached.

Watching Austin go through everything, dealing with the guilt of not being able to stop all of this, not being there for Emma...I grew. You know how some people just work better under pressure? I guess that is me. And yes, something like this does give you perspective, and that is a part of it, but I can truly say that the Lord really softened my heart and just like the Grinch, it grew. I was able to enjoy the trivial things more. I was able to appreciate the little things. I had the ability to be grateful for my kids instead of annoyed. Even though it was hard, and I was tired, and felt stretched to the max. Not to say that I didn't have my bad days, there were plenty of those, but I was able to enjoy being a Mom more than ever before.

I still find myself lost occasionally but not as much as before the transplant. Having no time was probably a part of it. No time to do anything. Keep up a house, or take up a hobby. I was in survival mode for a few years so I really had no time then. I know that I will never have the time that I want to have, but I have picked up a new hobby. Being a Mom. To stop and enjoy things. Don't get me wrong. I still do stuff just for me (girls nights, sewing, crafts, reading) but I challenge myself to become a great Mom. I challenge myself to be better. Some days I fail miserably. And I really mean miserably.

God really understood how I needed to grow. How to push me. How to mold me. I will never be able to thank Austin enough for how much he taught me about selflessness. That is what it really came down to. I needed to stop fighting myself. I really felt like I deserved more me time and the things that I wanted. I needed to submit. This is an ongoing process but now I am understanding as I listen to General Conference or hear people talk about what a joy it is to be a Mom. I used to scoff and think that they must have forgotten how hard everything is. But now I feel that joy more often and I can agree with them, that being a Mom can be a joy, a career, a hobby, a wonderful life choice that is fulfilling and challenging. And yes, a lot of hard work.