You know how in my post yesterday that I was praying for help in case something doesn't work out? Today I found out that I have kidney stones...it is still sinking in. Man this really sucks (pardon the language)!!!! I cannot give a kidney to my baby boy. It is one less kidney that is out there for him, no matter what spin you put on it, that is a fact. One less kidney that someone can give him, one less kidney that I have control over being sure he gets.
It is really hard right now. Everyone says to just hang on a little bit longer, but I want to put my foot down and say no! NO! NO! I know that I have to, and I will. But does that mean that I have to like it? No it doesn't, it sucks, no matter how you look at it, you have to agree. So there. Okay tantrum over.
We will now have to make the decision if we want to have Austin go through with PD surgery to put in a catheter for dialysis at home. It's hard though, if Ben's brother Jacob works out then it will be great and we have another couple months of hemo-dialysis. They said that it will be a 2 month minimum before Jacob can be ready to give his kidney, and he is a match, but we know now from experience that is not all that counts. If something happens and he can't we have other people to be tested, but it can be months, and months before the transplant happens. Uggghhh. PD is not an easy road either. It's a conundrum that our transplant team is trying to help us through.
I feel kind of robbed. If we would have done the PD surgery then we could already be doing PD at home. I know "what ifs" are not good but in all reality we have already gone down this road and have gotten burned. It's frustrating. Disappointing. Plain obnoxious. I just don't want this to happen again. We were all excited, and then had the rug pulled out from underneath us. On the other hand everything could go perfectly, and we have gone through an unnecessary surgery.
So what to do? I have faith, I have asked for guidance, and I will continue to do so. I know that the Lord loves us. I know that it will be okay. I am just allowing myself a minute to say that this really stinks, and I don't like it, and I don't want to embrace it. Tomorrow might be different, and next week very probable that I will be singing a different tune, but for right now this is how I feel.
11 comments:
Ah Cortney, that does suck! We will be praying that you will get a huge break and everything will work out with Jacob. We had so much fun getting together with you guys, we need to do it again, soon!
Oh man. I am so sorry. How frustrating. You have every right to vent and feel upset and say "sucks." :) We are praying for you guys. Hopefully Jacob works out.
Cortney, this stinks! But even when you are mad and ranting you are still a grateful, positive, faith centered person. You are a example for all of us to follow. What can I do to help you?
sry to hear. I think you are handling this situation marvelously though. I've found that the less real problems people have the more inclined they are to drop "dont worry it will get better" type advice. In my opinion its terrible. Right now your situation is heartbreaking and you have every right to feel however you need. to. Don't give up but still let yourself be upset, sad, angry. whatever you have to do. Know that you have a lot of support from friends and family. You guys are still in my prayers and the prayers of a lot of people out there. Thanks again for updating.
NOooooooooooooooo!!! I'm so sorry that your kidney isn't going to work out. I hope and pray all will work out with Jacob. Decisions can be so tough, good luck!
How do I get tested? The more options you have the better right? What do I need to do?
Get it out girl!!! Who cares what your tantrum looks like, just get it out. I've been through heck and back with my oldest, and I kept it all in...then one day I just exploded. Each person's trials are so different, what I try to remember is that it's all for us to learn from, and be refined by. Heavenly Father could take it all away, He has the power, but He wants us to experience it, even thought it does suck. I will be praying for you, we love you tons and hope that everything goes well for your family!
Courtney,
You may not know but I've been following your story. Your courage and strength amaze me. The Lord only gives us trials we can handle. You are amazing. And don't ever forget that. Hold on...you can do this. Everything will work out. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
If I donate to that COTA (I think is what it was) site, does it all go to you? Or in a big fund for all the children?
Melissa,
Hi! Thank you for your love and support. It helps ease the burden when we know other people are trying to help us with our load of hard things. The donations are made to COTA in honor of Austin, they keep track of what is donated in honor of Austin and they we get 100% of funds raised. We turn in expense reports form Dr visits, meds, parking...then they send us a check to reimburse us. It is pretty good so far. Thanks for keep us with our story, I hope that I will have so me good news to tell you at some point. I will, we will just have to see when that will be.
Cortney
i'm with nicole! get it out! it's okay to do that...as long as we move forward. i love you and think about you every day!
I'm so sorry Cortney. Hard is hard even with hope.
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